After finally getting out of New Beginnings, life was just not the same. I was eighteen years old. I went back home to my moms house for exactly twenty-nine days. During those twenty-nine days, things were so different. My mom acted like she had never hit me before in her life. She didn't raise a hand at me at all. I'm sure it was because I was finally the age where I could press charges or be extremely successful at defending myself. I found an apartment and a job and moved out after twenty-nine days.
Living on my own was a big change, especially after being in New Beginnings. I hardly knew what do do with myself. I was usually lonely as well as depressed. I started hanging out a lot at a cafe downtown that had a lot of live music. Heavy metal bands would come in on weekends and there would be a lot of people there my age. I started making friends both at the cafe and at the job I was working at. Between working forty hours a week and the cafe, I made several new friends. It was a nice change for me.
Even though life was looking up, I was still dealing with extreme depression. I thought moving would help. I left Florida and moved to New York. After New York, I moved to Texas. After Texas, I moved to Tennessee. After Tennessee, I moved to Utah. That was all in the span of about a year and a half. Utah was the place were I finally settled down. I started working forty to sixty hours a week between two jobs. I had my own apartment as well. I ended up letting one of my friends become my roommate. We started partying a lot and drinking a lot. It was a lot of fun. I was STILL dealing with depression a lot, but I didn't want to go to a doctor for it. My plans were to enlist in the Military.
About a year and a half after living in Utah, I met Beckie. She was perfect for me! She was sweet, understanding, loving, caring, and she was supportive of me. We fell in love, moved in together, and later on she purposed to me. I said yes! However, my nightmares and flashbacks continued to get worse. They got to the point where they were out of control. She talked me into seeing a doctor. I ended up going. It was probably one of the best things that I ever did. Like I had suspected, I was diagnosed with depression. I was also diagnosed with PTSD. A lot of the PTSD had to do with the feelings of isolation, helplessness, and terror I faced daily at New Beginnings. She told me that between between my childhood and being sent to New Beginnings, it was amazing that I was still holding myself together. Before my diagnoses that day, I went into detail about hearing my friends screams and knowing I couldn't help them, the fear I felt, and about the home in general. She was stunned. She stated that the home was a bad place and it needed to be shut down. After over two and a half years after the home, I finally got the help I needed.
Today I am on medications to help me deal with the PTSD and depression. This blog has become extremely therapeutic for me, as well as a great way to share my story. It's been a difficult journey, but somehow I lived through it all. I am thankful to have met Beckie. Today we are still together, and I'm happier than I have ever been. We have two amazing daughters, and I do my best everyday to be the best parent that I can be.
Later this month on April, 30th, I will be twenty-one. I am looking forward to twenty-one so much because I can finally start applying to police departments, as well as get a hand gun. I do not plan on getting drunk on my birthday. I feel that even though I will be legal to drink, I don't feel that my kids should see me drunk.
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