I would like to present a new proposition to my city. I would like to somehow start a sport program that aims at helping abused children as well as less fortunate children to get positive outlooks on life. With the help of sports, as well as positive peers, I think it would end up being a very healthy, yet therapeutic, way to help kids. My goals for the program that I would like to proposition my city with are as follows;
-Encourage Athleticism
-Provide Positive Peers
-Instill Self-esteem, Dedication, Self-value, and Team Work
-Create a Drug Free Zone
-Show Children The Meaning of Giving Back to the Community
Through creating a program like that, I think it would help cut down on early drug use, violence, and help encourage more kids to become strong, positive members of our community. I plan to talk to several city officials, schools, and the college in our area to help start this program.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
My Little Family
Me and Our Youngest
Me and Our Two Daughters
Me (left) and My Amazing Partner Beckie (right)
Life Now And My Plans
Today I am a strong, independent person. I am proud to have survived everything that I have faced in life. I am a survivor. Through this blog as well as several other things, I plan to spread my story to as many people as possible. I know that I am not alone. There are thousands of other survivors like me. Institutional abuse is nothing new. I don't know what every other survivor is doing today, but I know that I am living my life to the fullest. I work hard to raise awareness of both child abuse abuse, as well as institutional abuse. What is my life goal as far as raising awareness? I hope to help stop abuse, as well as provide children with options. I want to show children that went through or are going through abuse that change is possible. I want to provide them with a positive outlook on life and show them that just because you went through abuse, you can grow up to be anyone that you want to be.
Presently, I am putting myself through college. I am majoring in Criminal Justice. I plan to get a degree. I want to work for the local police or sheriff department. My goal has always been to help people. Law enforcement has become something that I would love to do. I know that sometime in my future career as a law enforcement officer, I will be faced with someone that needs someone to show them that there is hope. I want to be living proof that you can go through some of the worse situations in life, but turn around and become the best person that you can be.
As I mentioned in my last post, I am in a great relationship with Beckie. We have two daughter. I want to be there for my girls in a positive way. I am completely opposite of my parents. I NEVER want to be the kind of parents that they were. Every day life is about being different, and living life as best as I can.
Presently, I am putting myself through college. I am majoring in Criminal Justice. I plan to get a degree. I want to work for the local police or sheriff department. My goal has always been to help people. Law enforcement has become something that I would love to do. I know that sometime in my future career as a law enforcement officer, I will be faced with someone that needs someone to show them that there is hope. I want to be living proof that you can go through some of the worse situations in life, but turn around and become the best person that you can be.
As I mentioned in my last post, I am in a great relationship with Beckie. We have two daughter. I want to be there for my girls in a positive way. I am completely opposite of my parents. I NEVER want to be the kind of parents that they were. Every day life is about being different, and living life as best as I can.
Life After New Beginnings Girls Academy
After finally getting out of New Beginnings, life was just not the same. I was eighteen years old. I went back home to my moms house for exactly twenty-nine days. During those twenty-nine days, things were so different. My mom acted like she had never hit me before in her life. She didn't raise a hand at me at all. I'm sure it was because I was finally the age where I could press charges or be extremely successful at defending myself. I found an apartment and a job and moved out after twenty-nine days.
Living on my own was a big change, especially after being in New Beginnings. I hardly knew what do do with myself. I was usually lonely as well as depressed. I started hanging out a lot at a cafe downtown that had a lot of live music. Heavy metal bands would come in on weekends and there would be a lot of people there my age. I started making friends both at the cafe and at the job I was working at. Between working forty hours a week and the cafe, I made several new friends. It was a nice change for me.
Even though life was looking up, I was still dealing with extreme depression. I thought moving would help. I left Florida and moved to New York. After New York, I moved to Texas. After Texas, I moved to Tennessee. After Tennessee, I moved to Utah. That was all in the span of about a year and a half. Utah was the place were I finally settled down. I started working forty to sixty hours a week between two jobs. I had my own apartment as well. I ended up letting one of my friends become my roommate. We started partying a lot and drinking a lot. It was a lot of fun. I was STILL dealing with depression a lot, but I didn't want to go to a doctor for it. My plans were to enlist in the Military.
About a year and a half after living in Utah, I met Beckie. She was perfect for me! She was sweet, understanding, loving, caring, and she was supportive of me. We fell in love, moved in together, and later on she purposed to me. I said yes! However, my nightmares and flashbacks continued to get worse. They got to the point where they were out of control. She talked me into seeing a doctor. I ended up going. It was probably one of the best things that I ever did. Like I had suspected, I was diagnosed with depression. I was also diagnosed with PTSD. A lot of the PTSD had to do with the feelings of isolation, helplessness, and terror I faced daily at New Beginnings. She told me that between between my childhood and being sent to New Beginnings, it was amazing that I was still holding myself together. Before my diagnoses that day, I went into detail about hearing my friends screams and knowing I couldn't help them, the fear I felt, and about the home in general. She was stunned. She stated that the home was a bad place and it needed to be shut down. After over two and a half years after the home, I finally got the help I needed.
Today I am on medications to help me deal with the PTSD and depression. This blog has become extremely therapeutic for me, as well as a great way to share my story. It's been a difficult journey, but somehow I lived through it all. I am thankful to have met Beckie. Today we are still together, and I'm happier than I have ever been. We have two amazing daughters, and I do my best everyday to be the best parent that I can be.
Later this month on April, 30th, I will be twenty-one. I am looking forward to twenty-one so much because I can finally start applying to police departments, as well as get a hand gun. I do not plan on getting drunk on my birthday. I feel that even though I will be legal to drink, I don't feel that my kids should see me drunk.
Living on my own was a big change, especially after being in New Beginnings. I hardly knew what do do with myself. I was usually lonely as well as depressed. I started hanging out a lot at a cafe downtown that had a lot of live music. Heavy metal bands would come in on weekends and there would be a lot of people there my age. I started making friends both at the cafe and at the job I was working at. Between working forty hours a week and the cafe, I made several new friends. It was a nice change for me.
Even though life was looking up, I was still dealing with extreme depression. I thought moving would help. I left Florida and moved to New York. After New York, I moved to Texas. After Texas, I moved to Tennessee. After Tennessee, I moved to Utah. That was all in the span of about a year and a half. Utah was the place were I finally settled down. I started working forty to sixty hours a week between two jobs. I had my own apartment as well. I ended up letting one of my friends become my roommate. We started partying a lot and drinking a lot. It was a lot of fun. I was STILL dealing with depression a lot, but I didn't want to go to a doctor for it. My plans were to enlist in the Military.
About a year and a half after living in Utah, I met Beckie. She was perfect for me! She was sweet, understanding, loving, caring, and she was supportive of me. We fell in love, moved in together, and later on she purposed to me. I said yes! However, my nightmares and flashbacks continued to get worse. They got to the point where they were out of control. She talked me into seeing a doctor. I ended up going. It was probably one of the best things that I ever did. Like I had suspected, I was diagnosed with depression. I was also diagnosed with PTSD. A lot of the PTSD had to do with the feelings of isolation, helplessness, and terror I faced daily at New Beginnings. She told me that between between my childhood and being sent to New Beginnings, it was amazing that I was still holding myself together. Before my diagnoses that day, I went into detail about hearing my friends screams and knowing I couldn't help them, the fear I felt, and about the home in general. She was stunned. She stated that the home was a bad place and it needed to be shut down. After over two and a half years after the home, I finally got the help I needed.
Today I am on medications to help me deal with the PTSD and depression. This blog has become extremely therapeutic for me, as well as a great way to share my story. It's been a difficult journey, but somehow I lived through it all. I am thankful to have met Beckie. Today we are still together, and I'm happier than I have ever been. We have two amazing daughters, and I do my best everyday to be the best parent that I can be.
Later this month on April, 30th, I will be twenty-one. I am looking forward to twenty-one so much because I can finally start applying to police departments, as well as get a hand gun. I do not plan on getting drunk on my birthday. I feel that even though I will be legal to drink, I don't feel that my kids should see me drunk.
Why I Got Sent To New Beginnings Girls Academy
As I said in my former post, my mom was extremely abusive. At fifteen years old, I was at that part in life where you are figuring out more about yourself. I realized finally that I was a lesbian. I had no interest in boys, and I never had. I liked to do all the stuff boys did though. Trucks, mudd, bikes, sports, etc. was what I loved to do. It took me a while, but I realized that as long as I could remember I was more attracted to girls, not boys. When I finally figured it out, it was like a sigh of relief. I always thought that something was wrong with me. I didn't know about gay and lesbian people until around fourteen. When I placed all the pieces of the puzzle together, it all made sense. I had always had crushes on babysitters as a kid, but never thought it was different. For once, I felt normal.
One night my mom was throwing stuff on the counter at me and screaming. I was getting frustrated with it. Finally, I yelled out in anger. I told her, "I would hit you, but I don't hit girls. I LIKE GIRLS!!!!!!" The look on her face was priceless. She just froze. She told me to go to my room in this weirdly calm voice.
After coming out to my mom, I realized that she is EXTREMELY homophobic. She wouldn't let me to talk to girls, go anywhere, anything. She told me that I was sick, that I had a chemical imbalance in the head. She would scream that I needed "help." She made my life absolutely miserable. She started looking into programs that could "make me better." Not long after her search began, she stumbled upon New Beginnings Girls Academy. She was more than happy to send me there where they could "change" me.
One night my mom was throwing stuff on the counter at me and screaming. I was getting frustrated with it. Finally, I yelled out in anger. I told her, "I would hit you, but I don't hit girls. I LIKE GIRLS!!!!!!" The look on her face was priceless. She just froze. She told me to go to my room in this weirdly calm voice.
After coming out to my mom, I realized that she is EXTREMELY homophobic. She wouldn't let me to talk to girls, go anywhere, anything. She told me that I was sick, that I had a chemical imbalance in the head. She would scream that I needed "help." She made my life absolutely miserable. She started looking into programs that could "make me better." Not long after her search began, she stumbled upon New Beginnings Girls Academy. She was more than happy to send me there where they could "change" me.
Life As A Child
My childhood for as long as I can remember was extremely traumatic. Around the age of one or two, my dad began sexually abusing me. That continued until the age of twelve. I remember feelings of fear, anger, depression, terror, sadness, and hopelessness. I couldn't understand why it was happening. My mom actually walked in on it happening on one occasion. I was eight years old. Instead of calling police, she grabbed me up by my arm and drug me from the barn to the house. Once we reached the house, she told me to go read my Bible. I thought maybe then she would FINALLY get me some help. Instead, nothing changed. The abuse continued. My mom was physically abusive and mentally abusive. My dad continued to be sexually abusive. Around the age of nine, I sank into a deep depression. I felt trapped. My parents belonged to a church, Meade Ministries, and we were not home schooled. The church name was recently changed to Mountain Top Ministries INC. They have always been against police officers, paramedics, doctors, public school, military enlistment, and many other things along those lines. We were not supposed to talk to people outside of the church, so there was no help for me. I felt like there was no chance of getting help, no chance of anything changing, and no hope. As I sank deeper into depression, I withdrew from everyone in the church, as well as my family.
Around the age of eleven or twelve, my dad left my mom. He moved out and the sexual abuse finally stopped. Shortly before my thirteenth birthday, my dad was arrested on drug charges. He committed suicide in the local jail. There were no repercussions for the abuse he inflicted on me as well as my younger sister. While I was relieved that the sexual abuse would finally be over, I became more sad that I lost my dad. Although he was an abuser, he was also a completely different person. I could literally watch him switch from the nice dad to the abuser in a matter of seconds. It was like his whole personality would change as he switched to his abusive side. When he wasn't in his abusive faze, he was a great dad. There were fishing trips, mountain biking trips, and a lot of other fun things. I think that was the most confusing part of it all. I missed the good guy my dad was, but his bad side haunted me. When my mom told me that he had committed suicide, I broke down crying. It was a cry of mourning, as well as a cry of relief.
After his death, my mom became more physically and mentally abusive. There were many days that I just wondered if I would even make it through. When I was enrolled in public school for the first time, I was a freshman in high school. After one bad night of extreme abuse from my mom, I planned to just run away. I went to school the next morning like always. My first class that day was algebra. I was sitting in class planning my escape when my teacher noticed my bruises. She confronted me about the bruises, but I was scared to talk. She called the office and told them. After that, she sent me to the office where principals and sheriffs were waiting. They pretty much had to drag the truth out of me about what was going on at home, but once I started talking it all came out. The sheriffs took me from the school and placed me in the local safe house. Shortly after arriving there, the Florida Department of Child Services came in. They started taking statements and taking pictures of wounds. I was transferred to the closer high school at that location. One day at the new high school, a DCF worker came and picked me up. She took me to a hospital where they started measuring scars and doing and extensive investigation.
I was in that program protecting children for a long time. I was eventually released after a long time. My mom continued on with what she had been doing before the DCF intervention. Things at home got worse. One one night, I saw her try to hang herself with the vacuum cord. She was saying something about how she was going to hell and she might as well get there quicker. It was scary to see her do that. Thankfully, my grandma was there and stopped her. I started taking anything she could use for suicide to my closet, as well as all medication that I found.
After seeing the suicide attempt, I lost it. I couldn't stick around that house anymore. I started running away a lot. Eventually I was gone for months on end with a great family that loved me. They were nice to me, took care of me, and were the family that I never really had. I became part of there family while I was missing. I loved them a lot, and never wanted to go back home. Eventually I turned myself in for missing thinking maybe they would get custody of me. They were willing to take custody, but my mom wouldn't give it up. She said they were creeps. She hated them. I could never figure out why, but after a while I realized that she hated them because they loved me.
After going back to my mom's house, things continued to get even worse. She eventually took me into the DCF office and told them that she didn't want me anymore. She wanted the state to take me. They told her that if they took me, they would also take my younger sister. Only because she didn't want to give up my little sister, she changed her mind.
Around the age of eleven or twelve, my dad left my mom. He moved out and the sexual abuse finally stopped. Shortly before my thirteenth birthday, my dad was arrested on drug charges. He committed suicide in the local jail. There were no repercussions for the abuse he inflicted on me as well as my younger sister. While I was relieved that the sexual abuse would finally be over, I became more sad that I lost my dad. Although he was an abuser, he was also a completely different person. I could literally watch him switch from the nice dad to the abuser in a matter of seconds. It was like his whole personality would change as he switched to his abusive side. When he wasn't in his abusive faze, he was a great dad. There were fishing trips, mountain biking trips, and a lot of other fun things. I think that was the most confusing part of it all. I missed the good guy my dad was, but his bad side haunted me. When my mom told me that he had committed suicide, I broke down crying. It was a cry of mourning, as well as a cry of relief.
After his death, my mom became more physically and mentally abusive. There were many days that I just wondered if I would even make it through. When I was enrolled in public school for the first time, I was a freshman in high school. After one bad night of extreme abuse from my mom, I planned to just run away. I went to school the next morning like always. My first class that day was algebra. I was sitting in class planning my escape when my teacher noticed my bruises. She confronted me about the bruises, but I was scared to talk. She called the office and told them. After that, she sent me to the office where principals and sheriffs were waiting. They pretty much had to drag the truth out of me about what was going on at home, but once I started talking it all came out. The sheriffs took me from the school and placed me in the local safe house. Shortly after arriving there, the Florida Department of Child Services came in. They started taking statements and taking pictures of wounds. I was transferred to the closer high school at that location. One day at the new high school, a DCF worker came and picked me up. She took me to a hospital where they started measuring scars and doing and extensive investigation.
I was in that program protecting children for a long time. I was eventually released after a long time. My mom continued on with what she had been doing before the DCF intervention. Things at home got worse. One one night, I saw her try to hang herself with the vacuum cord. She was saying something about how she was going to hell and she might as well get there quicker. It was scary to see her do that. Thankfully, my grandma was there and stopped her. I started taking anything she could use for suicide to my closet, as well as all medication that I found.
After seeing the suicide attempt, I lost it. I couldn't stick around that house anymore. I started running away a lot. Eventually I was gone for months on end with a great family that loved me. They were nice to me, took care of me, and were the family that I never really had. I became part of there family while I was missing. I loved them a lot, and never wanted to go back home. Eventually I turned myself in for missing thinking maybe they would get custody of me. They were willing to take custody, but my mom wouldn't give it up. She said they were creeps. She hated them. I could never figure out why, but after a while I realized that she hated them because they loved me.
After going back to my mom's house, things continued to get even worse. She eventually took me into the DCF office and told them that she didn't want me anymore. She wanted the state to take me. They told her that if they took me, they would also take my younger sister. Only because she didn't want to give up my little sister, she changed her mind.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
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