Saturday, March 31, 2012
The New Beginnings Girls Academy Abuse
New Beginnings Girls Academy is the girl's home that I was placed in by my mom. Every day I was faced with the difficult challenge of getting through just one more day. Their website and application form offers what most Christian parents looking for a place for their child like. New Beginnings advertises that they teach things such as; emphasising the student's spiritual needs, that through Jesus Christ the student can overcome addictions, mend broken relationships, and get their lives on the right path. They also state that they offer a place of refuge that allows their students to get away from the negative influences on their life and offer the student a "new beginning." They claim that their program offers a combination of spiritual guidance, Biblical teaching, and a healthy, loving atmosphere to help develop character and provide a foundation for confronting the many complex decisions in "growing up." What they don't say is ANYTHING about what the home is really like. They don't bother to mention their ways of dealing with issues, how they enforce their religion, and how they prevent the student from anything outside the home such as abuse hot lines, doctors, dentists, etc.
The truth about New Beginnings is that they are an Independent Fundamental Baptist girl's home.
They literally force their beliefs on the students of New Beginnings. I know because I was in New Beginnings Girls Academy. Every day we were constantly drilled on Bible verses, required to read our Bibles at ALL times, and forced to become "born again" or face the wrath of the McNamara's and other staff. Bill McNamara, the owner of the home, would scream in our faces about how we were going to hell, our families were going to hell because of us, we were sinners, we were unclean, and many other things. Bill McNamara is the leader of the home as well as his wife, Jennifer McNamara. During my stay of two and a half years, the most staff members we ever had at one time were three. Usually it was only one staff member to ever fifteen to twenty girls. The McNamara's were really obsessed with anything to do with sex, sexual orientation, or anything else sex-related. I can remember several separate instances of Bill McNamara coming into our dorm and saying, "It smells like sin in the camp." What he was referring to was that him he could smell masturbation had been going on. I never did see anyone masturbating, but still, he was obsessed with that. One different time when he was doing what they referred to as "chapel" he made us all bow our heads and raise our hands if we were virgins. What did he need to know that for? What was his purpose of asking? Why did he really need to know? It was just many things like that that we were faced with constantly.
I was one of the very few that came in as an open, out lesbian. I did not hide my sexuality. On my arrival to New Beginnings Girls Academy, life became extremely hard for me. I was constantly watched and it was assumed that I would get a girlfriend their. Bro Mac (as we were supposed to call Bill McNamara) preached at me numerous times screaming about homosexuality being "nasty" and "gross." On one occasion I remember him conducting chapel. That night he was running around the cafeteria and screaming like a wild man and throwing tomatoes as he screams about hell. He literally got his face as close as he could to mine and screamed at me for being a "fag." He screamed that he would "never let no girl lay lips on me" and how nasty I was. Him and his wife focused on bringing me down each and every day to break me down into the perfect little Baptist that they wanted me to be. I can't tell you how many thousands of tears ran down my face during those long two and a half years. I was brought down by the McNamaras and staff there to feel as if I was unloved, unwanted, a "nasty fag", ungrateful, and cast away by my own mom. They said they were breaking me down to make me a better person, but they were really just breaking me down to break down everything about me including my self esteem, love for myself, and expectancy of ever becoming anyone in this world.
When I wasn't "right with God" according to them, they would put me as well as many other girls on "discipline." Discipline was one of the many cruel forms of torture there. We were all required to stand facing the for hours. We had to stand with our toes to the floor board and just stare literally only a couple inches, if that, away from the wall. At meals, were were not allowed any condiments such as salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard, mayo, etc. We were also not allowed desserts, anything other than water, and many other things. We were the last to be able to go to the bathroom on bathroom breaks, not allowed to speak a word (unless Bible related) for a week, and many other things like that. Life was miserable. Discipline lasted a week usually unless you got over ten demerits, or Bill McNamara decided you needed to stay on longer. How someone got on discipline was really easy. We were on a merit system, and every little thing could result in a demerit. Leaving your brush out, not having your hair perfect, not making your bed perfect, being late out of the timed five minute shower, being late in line, not eating everything on your plate, talking, not reading your Bible, and so many more things resulted in demerits.
Life off of discipline was not very much better. We were not allowed to talk at all to each other unless it was "Friday Fun Night." Only then, on Friday nights, were we allowed to talk to each other. If they noticed that you were getting "too close" to someone, as in becoming too good of friends with someone there, they would automatically place you on "separation" from that person. Separation meant that you could not look at, talk to (when allowed to talk), comment off of, take anything from, give anything to, etc that person that you were separated from. Their main goal was to make you feel like you were alone by isolating you from anything familiar. We were not allowed to talk about our past at all. Phone calls were allowed one time every two weeks for fifteen minutes each. We could not call out, our parents had to call us. If we were to tell our parents that we were not okay, something was wrong, or anything else "negative" about the home, the staff would automatically discontinue the call. We were allowed to write letters every Friday. The letter was required to be a page and a half. Those were heavily monitored. Anything at all showing that you were unhappy was threw away. Letters mailed in to us were also read. If anything talked about our past, friends, or anything, they would throw them away and not tell us. Our parents could only visit once every six months for three days. To get a visit, you had to be in the home for six months and be going along with the program to Bill McNamaras satisfaction. If you "weren't right with God," still upset about being there, or a threat to them that you might run away, you would not get a visit no matter how long you were there. Life was hard.
The home was on 24/7 lock down. We could not leave anywhere even if we wanted or needed to. If a door didn't have a lock on the inside, staff or extremely trusted girls would have to sit or stand in front of it. We called that "posting." If anyone came close to the door, the person posting was allowed to hit them or do whatever it took to get them and prevent them from running. I can't tell you how many times I would sit there wondering if I would ever get to leave the home.
Information containing what the home advertises was taken off of New Beginnings Girls Academy (now called New Beginnings Ministries) official website, http://www.nbministriesmo.com/main.html
The truth about New Beginnings is that they are an Independent Fundamental Baptist girl's home.
They literally force their beliefs on the students of New Beginnings. I know because I was in New Beginnings Girls Academy. Every day we were constantly drilled on Bible verses, required to read our Bibles at ALL times, and forced to become "born again" or face the wrath of the McNamara's and other staff. Bill McNamara, the owner of the home, would scream in our faces about how we were going to hell, our families were going to hell because of us, we were sinners, we were unclean, and many other things. Bill McNamara is the leader of the home as well as his wife, Jennifer McNamara. During my stay of two and a half years, the most staff members we ever had at one time were three. Usually it was only one staff member to ever fifteen to twenty girls. The McNamara's were really obsessed with anything to do with sex, sexual orientation, or anything else sex-related. I can remember several separate instances of Bill McNamara coming into our dorm and saying, "It smells like sin in the camp." What he was referring to was that him he could smell masturbation had been going on. I never did see anyone masturbating, but still, he was obsessed with that. One different time when he was doing what they referred to as "chapel" he made us all bow our heads and raise our hands if we were virgins. What did he need to know that for? What was his purpose of asking? Why did he really need to know? It was just many things like that that we were faced with constantly.
I was one of the very few that came in as an open, out lesbian. I did not hide my sexuality. On my arrival to New Beginnings Girls Academy, life became extremely hard for me. I was constantly watched and it was assumed that I would get a girlfriend their. Bro Mac (as we were supposed to call Bill McNamara) preached at me numerous times screaming about homosexuality being "nasty" and "gross." On one occasion I remember him conducting chapel. That night he was running around the cafeteria and screaming like a wild man and throwing tomatoes as he screams about hell. He literally got his face as close as he could to mine and screamed at me for being a "fag." He screamed that he would "never let no girl lay lips on me" and how nasty I was. Him and his wife focused on bringing me down each and every day to break me down into the perfect little Baptist that they wanted me to be. I can't tell you how many thousands of tears ran down my face during those long two and a half years. I was brought down by the McNamaras and staff there to feel as if I was unloved, unwanted, a "nasty fag", ungrateful, and cast away by my own mom. They said they were breaking me down to make me a better person, but they were really just breaking me down to break down everything about me including my self esteem, love for myself, and expectancy of ever becoming anyone in this world.
When I wasn't "right with God" according to them, they would put me as well as many other girls on "discipline." Discipline was one of the many cruel forms of torture there. We were all required to stand facing the for hours. We had to stand with our toes to the floor board and just stare literally only a couple inches, if that, away from the wall. At meals, were were not allowed any condiments such as salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard, mayo, etc. We were also not allowed desserts, anything other than water, and many other things. We were the last to be able to go to the bathroom on bathroom breaks, not allowed to speak a word (unless Bible related) for a week, and many other things like that. Life was miserable. Discipline lasted a week usually unless you got over ten demerits, or Bill McNamara decided you needed to stay on longer. How someone got on discipline was really easy. We were on a merit system, and every little thing could result in a demerit. Leaving your brush out, not having your hair perfect, not making your bed perfect, being late out of the timed five minute shower, being late in line, not eating everything on your plate, talking, not reading your Bible, and so many more things resulted in demerits.
Life off of discipline was not very much better. We were not allowed to talk at all to each other unless it was "Friday Fun Night." Only then, on Friday nights, were we allowed to talk to each other. If they noticed that you were getting "too close" to someone, as in becoming too good of friends with someone there, they would automatically place you on "separation" from that person. Separation meant that you could not look at, talk to (when allowed to talk), comment off of, take anything from, give anything to, etc that person that you were separated from. Their main goal was to make you feel like you were alone by isolating you from anything familiar. We were not allowed to talk about our past at all. Phone calls were allowed one time every two weeks for fifteen minutes each. We could not call out, our parents had to call us. If we were to tell our parents that we were not okay, something was wrong, or anything else "negative" about the home, the staff would automatically discontinue the call. We were allowed to write letters every Friday. The letter was required to be a page and a half. Those were heavily monitored. Anything at all showing that you were unhappy was threw away. Letters mailed in to us were also read. If anything talked about our past, friends, or anything, they would throw them away and not tell us. Our parents could only visit once every six months for three days. To get a visit, you had to be in the home for six months and be going along with the program to Bill McNamaras satisfaction. If you "weren't right with God," still upset about being there, or a threat to them that you might run away, you would not get a visit no matter how long you were there. Life was hard.
The home was on 24/7 lock down. We could not leave anywhere even if we wanted or needed to. If a door didn't have a lock on the inside, staff or extremely trusted girls would have to sit or stand in front of it. We called that "posting." If anyone came close to the door, the person posting was allowed to hit them or do whatever it took to get them and prevent them from running. I can't tell you how many times I would sit there wondering if I would ever get to leave the home.
Information containing what the home advertises was taken off of New Beginnings Girls Academy (now called New Beginnings Ministries) official website, http://www.nbministriesmo.com/main.html
Child Abuse Prevention Month
April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. In America, children of all ages face abuse daily. Together we are reaching out as a nation and bringing awareness to those that need us the most, the leaders of tomorrow. Abuse comes in many forms such as verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, and institutional abuse. In just the past two years, statistics are alarming. I am going to present you with those statistics in order to show that not only is child abuse a major problem, but there are a LOT of children that need us to rise together as a nation and bring down the statistics of abuse. These aren't just numbers, these are children. It might be the neighbor down the street, it might be the child you see daily, or it might be someone that you know. Keep that in mind as you read this surprisingly awful statistics.
2010 Statistics
-Approximately 695,000 children were victims of maltreatment
-Children younger than one year had the highest rate of victimization of 20.6 per 1,000 children in the population of the same age.
-Children younger than one year had the highest rate of victimization of 20.6 per 1,000 children in the population of the same age.
-Of the children who experienced maltreatment or abuse, over 78% experienced neglect;
more than 17% were physically abused; just under 10% were sexually abused;
approximately 8% were psychologically maltreated; just over 2% were neglected; and
approximately 10% experienced other types of maltreatment.
-Nearly 80% of reported child fatalities as a result of child abuse and neglect were caused
by one or more of the child victim's parents.
-47 states reported approximately 3.4 million children received preventative services
from Child Protective Services agencies
-In 2010, an estimated 1, 560 children died from abuse and neglect in the USA
2011 Statistics
Among the over 259,000 children served by Children’s Advocacy Centers around the
country during 2011, some startling statistics include:
-206, 522 children were 0-6 years
-99, 624 children were ages 7-12 years
-69, 372 children were ages 13-18 years
-187, 862 children reported sexual abuse
-48, 264 children reported physical abuse
-179, 014 children participated in forensic interviewing at a Children's Advocacy Center
Among the over 226, 000 alleged offenders investigated for instances of child abuse
from January through June 2011, statistics include:
-146, 981 were 18+ years old
-24, 075 were ages 13 to 17 years old
-17, 250 were under the ages of 13 years
-88, 182 were a parent or step-parent of the victim
-47, 096 were related to the victim in another way
-71, 877 were an unrelated person the victim knew
Every day in America:
-Nearly 5 children die every day from abuse and neglect
Statistics were located on the National Children Alliance website. They work to enpower local communities to serve child victims of abuse.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Somebody Said A Prayer
This song is SO true! These pictures are of me through some hard times. Looking back, I am SO thankful for the people that said prayers for me.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Missouri Home Land Outlay
33 miles outside of Joplin, Missouri, you will find the little town of La Russell, Missouri. La Russell is located off of MO-96. Unknown to most residents there, little to none know that the girls held at New Beginnings Girls Academy are not getting what New Beginnings advertises on their website.
The McNamara's house was a nice house with a basement. Later on, their basement would be what we all called "Dorm Two" for the other girls. Located up the property, there was a building for what we called our school. On one side there was the school office. The other side of the building was were we all did school. The other building on the property was the cafeteria. That was were we ate every meal.
The McNamara's house was a nice house with a basement. Later on, their basement would be what we all called "Dorm Two" for the other girls. Located up the property, there was a building for what we called our school. On one side there was the school office. The other side of the building was were we all did school. The other building on the property was the cafeteria. That was were we ate every meal.
The Move to Missouri
After surviving the first six days, I was moved with a few other girls to the Missouri home. We were told "the Lord gave us land." According to the McNamara's, the Boggs (a neighboring ranch family) had "given" us 40 acres of land. Little did I know but it was just another attempt to get out of the fire of media, survivors, and others dedicated to shutting down abusive facilities like New Beginnings Girls Academy.
The trip to La Russel, Missouri was a long one. It seemed to last forever! As usual, I was locked down 24/7 by 2 "buddies." What they called our buddies, were really just other girls in the home that were more trusted. They were also less likely to run and seemingly committed to the Baptist religion that was strictly enforced. As someone wisely once said, there the prisoner also became the guard.
What exactly is the buddies' responsibility? Being a Buddy meant that your job was to welcome the "new girl" to the strict laws, rules, and structure of the home. It was your responsibility also as a buddy to train that new girl to break down to the elements, punishments, and other things that we faced each and every day. If the new girl got in trouble, usually the new girl's Buddie also got in trouble. It did not matter if you broke a rule or not, if your new girl did you were often held accountable for not being strict enough.
How long did new girl last? Usually it ranged from one to three months. However, that was not always the case. I personally was on "new girl" for fifteen of the twenty-five months that I was there. Being on new girl meant that you could not look at, talk to, take anything from, or even acknowledge another new girl. Almost always on the new girls, those with short new girl times ALWAYS have a buddie. My situation (that I will explain in a later post) was a lot different. Yes, I did have a buddie for a while, but eventually over time I was still on new girl, but buddy free.
La Russel, Missouri, was a lot different that the Pace, Florida, location. Although both facilities were full lock down facilities, the Missouri location was a lot bigger. We were surrounded by woods, barbed wire, ditches, and a river. Escaping successfully was extremely unlikely, but some of us never quit hoping.
The trip to La Russel, Missouri was a long one. It seemed to last forever! As usual, I was locked down 24/7 by 2 "buddies." What they called our buddies, were really just other girls in the home that were more trusted. They were also less likely to run and seemingly committed to the Baptist religion that was strictly enforced. As someone wisely once said, there the prisoner also became the guard.
What exactly is the buddies' responsibility? Being a Buddy meant that your job was to welcome the "new girl" to the strict laws, rules, and structure of the home. It was your responsibility also as a buddy to train that new girl to break down to the elements, punishments, and other things that we faced each and every day. If the new girl got in trouble, usually the new girl's Buddie also got in trouble. It did not matter if you broke a rule or not, if your new girl did you were often held accountable for not being strict enough.
How long did new girl last? Usually it ranged from one to three months. However, that was not always the case. I personally was on "new girl" for fifteen of the twenty-five months that I was there. Being on new girl meant that you could not look at, talk to, take anything from, or even acknowledge another new girl. Almost always on the new girls, those with short new girl times ALWAYS have a buddie. My situation (that I will explain in a later post) was a lot different. Yes, I did have a buddie for a while, but eventually over time I was still on new girl, but buddy free.
La Russel, Missouri, was a lot different that the Pace, Florida, location. Although both facilities were full lock down facilities, the Missouri location was a lot bigger. We were surrounded by woods, barbed wire, ditches, and a river. Escaping successfully was extremely unlikely, but some of us never quit hoping.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The First Six Days
Nightmares. Flashbacks. Pain. Screams. Terror. Agony. More pain. More terror. No one loves me. Nobody cares. My family doesn't want me. Alone. I'm alone. Help! Can anyone hear me?? HELP!
That pretty much describes the 2 most devastating years of my life. The years I should of been spending in high school. The years I should of been going out on a first date, making memories, going to prom, and graduating high school. Instead, I'm in hell.
It all started on June 13, 2007. For many months, I had been volunteering at the local nursing home in Lake City, Florida. Like any other day, this day was a warm, sunny day. I could feel the warmth of the sun as I hurried out of the house to the car. I was headed to the nursing home to volunteer more. I was a sweet kid. Elderly people loved me. I spent many, many hours a week dedicating my time to them. It wasn't community service hours. I wasn't in trouble. I was just a kid who cared.
My mom and I got in the car and we headed onto the interstate. I was excited to see my old people (as I called them), but little did I know that things would not be anything near what I expected. My mom drove past the exit we were supposed to get off on. I knew then that something was wrong. The next exit would of been Georgia if she would have continued driving North. I started panicking. I knew something was wrong. It was so quiet! My mom was acting strangely. She finally told me she was taking me to a program. I panicked even more. She refused to tell me anything more. When we stopped at a gas station, she acted as if I was a prisoner and she was guarding me. I felt very trapped. There was no way out.
That pretty much describes the 2 most devastating years of my life. The years I should of been spending in high school. The years I should of been going out on a first date, making memories, going to prom, and graduating high school. Instead, I'm in hell.
It all started on June 13, 2007. For many months, I had been volunteering at the local nursing home in Lake City, Florida. Like any other day, this day was a warm, sunny day. I could feel the warmth of the sun as I hurried out of the house to the car. I was headed to the nursing home to volunteer more. I was a sweet kid. Elderly people loved me. I spent many, many hours a week dedicating my time to them. It wasn't community service hours. I wasn't in trouble. I was just a kid who cared.
My mom and I got in the car and we headed onto the interstate. I was excited to see my old people (as I called them), but little did I know that things would not be anything near what I expected. My mom drove past the exit we were supposed to get off on. I knew then that something was wrong. The next exit would of been Georgia if she would have continued driving North. I started panicking. I knew something was wrong. It was so quiet! My mom was acting strangely. She finally told me she was taking me to a program. I panicked even more. She refused to tell me anything more. When we stopped at a gas station, she acted as if I was a prisoner and she was guarding me. I felt very trapped. There was no way out.
We arrived in Pace, Florida around 6 to 8 hours later. I remember getting out of the car in this very isolated, scary place. Just something about how the place felt was all wrong. I knew something wasn't right. I followed my mom inside and met the man who unknown to me would forever scar me.
Upon meeting "Brother Mac" I knew this was NOT the place for me. Bill McNamara was very pushy. He ordered me into the bathroom to change out of my jeans and shirt. He ordered me to put on a very old-fashioned skirt and blouse. Two girls stood guard in front of the door. My mom slipped out of it and left me. She drove away and left me in this room full of strangers. The two girls grabbed my arms and started hauling me to the dorm. I was terrified. I could not figure out what was going on.
Once inside the "dorm" I had to sit down and start reading a Bible immediately. They refused to give me any of the medication that I came in with. I was not allowed to call my family, talk to the other girls, or even look at the other girls. I'll never forget what my first lunch there was. We had catfish and some other sides. I was required to eat EVERYTHING that they brought me. I have always hated catfish. It was hard to get it down, but they said that if I didn't I would be in trouble. I felt so alone. I was scared. I didn't know what was going on around me. That night before bed I asked again if I could take my medicine. I was on a high dose of Syriquil and Lexapro. They said Jesus would be all I needed and that I was not allowed my medicine. Why I was on those medications was because of depression and anxiety. That night was a bad night full of nightmares. Fear was all I could feel. I couldn't understand why I couldn't talk to my mom or my grandma.
Friday finally came. We were allowed to write a page and a half letter to our family. I can't remember what my letter said, but I remember the tears falling. I cried and cried as I wrote that letter to my mom. I do remember saying that I missed her. All I could think about since I had gotten there was her coming back. When would she come back? When could I call her? What was going to happen to me? How long was I required to be there?
After six days exactly of being locked up in that dorm, I finally got to go out. Once again I had two girls on either side of me holding my arms in a locked position. They hurried me to a van and put me in it. I found out that they were moving me from Pace, Florida, to Missouri. I didn't know much else. That scared me a lot because that meant that I would be out of Florida and half of the country away from anyone that I knew and anyone that cared.
Those were my first 6 days in what I refer to as hell.
My Introduction
Welcome to my blog. The purpose of this blog is to allow you to follow my journey as I went from victim to survivor. It's my life story of how I went through New Beginnings Girls Academy. Everything in this blog is completely the truth, my own personal experience. New Beginnings is a cruel, harsh place that tries to destroy every ounce of hope, self worth, and life itself. It was the worst experience in my life, although I have lived through several other tragic events. My main purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of institutional abuse such as places like New Beginnings Girls Academy. There are HUNDREDS of other survivors out there like me. We all come from different places across the United States. The sad part is that the places that forever changed us are still hidden from the public eye. Through this blog, I hope to inspire in you a fire to start looking in to these places, ESPECIALLY if you plan to send your child to a "program."
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